01 Jul, 2009
Posted by: Stefanie In: other
1. horse
2. chimpanzee (or other primates)
3. giraffe
4. any type of suction-mouth fish
5. cow
6. pig
7. elephant
8. zebra
9. frog or toad
10. moose
my money’s on the moose.
excuse the shameless product placement, but i would like to unleash my latest guilty pleasure unto the world:
take 1 odwalla chocowalla bar (you can try others if you like, but they are as of presstime untested). wrap in a paper towel and microwave for 10-30 seconds, depending on the raw power of the microwave you have at your disposal. it should be all soft and melty. smash the entire bar into your mouth and make yummy sounds. mmmmm.
In my day job, I do a lot of manual work that takes up time and keeps my hands busy, but lets my mind stay free to wander, or get bored. When we were trying to pass the time by telling jokes yesterday, I discovered a latent talent for making up new jokes. Here’s how it works:
You supply the punchline. It works best if it has some sort of pun, double meaning, or opportunity to be interpeted more than one way (examples to follow.) I’ll build the improbable scenario to set-up that punchline, and format it into a classic joke style.
I’m including the following jokes as examples, not because they are award-winningly funny, but because they are original. I have witnesses to prove that I started with raw punchlines and crafted these “zingers” from scratch.
A baker walks into a bank to sit down with a financial advisor. The banker browses the baker’s documents and asks, “Tell me a little more about your business model. Why did you decide to seek a loan?” The baker replies…. “I knead dough.”
****
In the sorting and packaging room of a paper mill, some sheets of paper in a ream are getting to know each other. One talkative sheet begins, “I’m recycled paper. In my past life I was a cardboard coffee cup, but after that I decided to go for a career change, make something better of myself, and become a sheet of paper. I think it’s so neat that you can make paper out of so many repurposed items. Sure, some of it is made out of wood, but the rest of us have the extra story from our first lives and being recycled…” She asks the sheet of paper next to her, “What about your origin? What made you want to become a sheet of paper?” To which he replies….”Meh, I was board.”
****
In the tool-shed, all the garden implements are having a party. The rake crosses the room to whisper something to the shovel, after which the shovel storms out in a huff, obviously offended at what he has said to her. The rake calls after her, “My mistake… I thought you were a hoe!”
Not solid gold, but entertaining enough for a slow day. I invite you to leave your punchlines in the comments, I will happily create an accompanying joke to share in a later entry on the blog.
i’ve tried many times to make a miso soup at home that resembles the tastiness that seems to occur only at a sushi restaurant. last night, i finally succeeded. of course, i didn’t measure anything, but you get the gist:
Am I At A Restaurant? Miso Soup
2 c. vegetable broth (preferably organic)
2T. miso (I use brown rice miso, but any sort will do)
1-2 pieces of dried wakame, crumbled
about 8 dried shiitakes, also crumbled
1 package shirataki noodles, drained (available at health food stores and asian markets, or add chunks of tasty tofu instead for authenticity!)
fresh cilantro
green onions
3 T. bragg’s liquid aminos (or soy sauce)
dash of chili oil
dash of sesame oil
salt to taste
optional - dash of kelp flakes
instructions:
boil some water in a tea kettle to pour over the crumbled shiitakes and wakame (you can have them mingling in the same bowl). cover with foil and let stand for 20 minutes. heat the vege broth, bragg’s, chili oil, and sesame oil til it gets good and hot! start dumping stuff in - the shirataki noodles or tofu, the wakame and shiitakes (add the water they’re in as well, except for the last bit at the bottom of the bowl, as that might contain some shiitake dirt). toss in as much fresh cilantro as you prefer, chop up a bunch of green onions and throw those in as well. add salt and kelp flakes, taste and make sure you don’t need to add anything else. remove from heat and stir in the miso. make sure you don’t boil the miso, as that will destroy all the good-for-you enzymes (as does microwaving miso). serve and savor!
i’ve been threatening to launch a pessimistic revolution for some time now. it started as a joke at work, but i think that the time is now for the pessimistic revolution. the world is a crappy place, and it’s tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but rather than give up entirely, we might as well plod onward at the very least. the lower your expectations, the more chance you have of being pleasantly surprised. i think it would be much more interesting if a revolution could be pessimistic for a change. you never hear about that; pessimism gets a bad rap. optimism is overrated.
maybe it’s because i have carpet on my heart…but i have a dream. join me in my revolution.
mustachio nosewarmer
by stefanie goodwin-ritter
supplies:
optional supplies:
to make nosewarmer:
using flesh-toned yarn of choice, cast on 40 sts on #2 needles. PM, join to work in the round. work *k1, p1 for 2 rounds. switch to stockinette st as follows:
K 2 rnds even.
*k6, k2tog, repeat from * to end.
k 1 rnd even.
*k5, k2tog, repeat from * to end.
k 1 rnd even.
*k4, k2tog, repeat from * to end.
k 1 rnd even.
*k3, k2tog, repeat from * to end.
k 1 rnd even.
*k2, k2tog, repeat from * to end.
* k1, k2tog, repeat from * to end.
*k2tog, repeat from * to end. 5 sts remain. cut yarn, use darning needle to pull through remaining sts and weave in ends.
to make two ties, either use crochet hook to ch for approx. 15 inches, or use #2 needles to make an i-cord by casting on 2 sts and working for approx. 15 inches.
to attach ties, flatten nosewarmer so that it is divided evenly in half. attach tie at either side of flattened piece so that they will be spaced equally apart.
to make basic mustache - also known as the womb broom:
using hairy yarn of your choosing and #2 needles, CO 15 sts. k 3 rows. next row: k1, k2 tog, k to last 3 sts, k2tog, k1. BO. weave in ends.
to make the charlie chaplin:
using hairy yarn of your choosing and #2 needles, CO 8 sts. k 4 rows. BO. weave in ends.
to make the tom selleck:
using hairy yarn of your choosing and #2 needles, CO 20sts. k 5 rows. next row: k1, k2 tog, k to last 3 sts, k2tog, k1. BO. weave in ends.
make up your own iconic mustaches! wear proudly.
note: working with hairy novelty yarn is tricky! there are strands and loops everywhere. don’t worry if it gets a little messy so long as you don’t drop a stitch. using a dark color puts you at a definite disadvantage, so be sure you have a really bright light you can use while making your ’staches.
if you don’t want to make your nosewarmer interchangeable, simply tack on mustache to center of bottom portion of nosewarmer (best to do this while wearing before you permanently attach it!)
if you would like to make your ’staches interchangeable, you have a few options:
1. take one side of velcro (not the soft side, but the grabby one), cut a small square out, and attach it to the bottom center of nosewarmer. the grabbiness of the velcro will automatically latch onto whichever mustache you want to attach.
2. attach a tiny snap to bottom center of nosewarmer, as for velcro. of course, you have to attach the corresponding part of the snap to the center of all other mustaches you make, and sewing something tiny onto a big mess of fur may not be enjoyable. you have been warned.
3. attach a tiny button (i got an 8-mm baby button) to the bottom center of nosewarmer. when weaving in ends of mustaches, just make a little loop at the top center so you can attach your stache to suit your mood.